i am so fucked. like seriously. why is it that in the most crucial times when you really need someone to help you, theres actually no one there. everyone is either too busy or not knowledgeable enough to help you. when you can fingure things out on your own, thats when you get the advisors that you don’t really need. i don’t know why i let myself get in to this. all i know is that i really, really, don’t want to do this anymore. i just want to put on the brakes of this stupid never ending rollercoaster ride.
I want to runaway..runaway…runaway…I want to runaway… but…I..caaaaan’t…..
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im in karachi and theres so much to write about but hardly any access, will need to fill this in when im back in oz. using someone else’s internet atm. gtg. 9:41pm karachi time 
Acquire knowledge because its acquisition is fear of God, search for it is worship, its study is praise, search for it is jihad, teaching it to him who does not know is alms giving, imparting it to those who are worthy is meritorious. It is friend in journey, companion in solitude, guide to religion and light to them in happiness and misfortune, bosom friend to a stranger and beacon to the path of Paradise. Through it, God exalts a nation, makes them leaders and guides of good. Seeing them, others also become guides to good and the people to follow them. The angels urge them to work. Everything dry and fresh seeks forgiveness for them. Knowledge gives life to a dead heart, it is a light for the eyes in darkness and gives strength to the body after removing weakness. By its help, a man reaches the rank of the pious. To think of it is like fasting and its study is like prayer. By its help God is obeyed and worshipped, by its help warning is given, byt its help unity of God is understood, tie of blood is maintained and lawful things are known.
Sayings of the Prophet in Ihya Ulum-id-din by Imam Al Ghazali
theres gotta be something i can do. but what? ……………………………………………………………….
i seriously need cant think of anything i can do that is like businessy, cause thats what im trying to think of. like i can’t work, long story, i cant get a proper teaching job, short story cant be bothered explaining, so what can i do, that involves something i am good at but is useful and perhaps helps me to make money? wow what a stretch….
the thing with photography is, you want the photo to look good, without showing everybody that you tried really hard to make it look good. i was just browsing through Bruce Webbers’ Portraits feature on Robert Pattinson in Vanity Fair Magazine and although Rob looks fantastic because he has remarkable features mashallah, it all looks so fake. Even though you can see that Webber tries to convey a sense of ‘personal’ and ‘natural’ to the photos I feel like all the photos are too done up, its too obvious that everything has been set up and positioned in a particular way. Maybe thats what the photos are trying to do, in which case, they’ve achieved it, but to me these photos are just a reflection of the commercialisation that has become so rampant in todays society. I much rather a photo portrait series with Rob looking like he always does when he doesn’t have makeup on him and isn’t wearing designer clothes, sitting in some remote place he hardly goes to. I prefer the exact opposite of that (unless ofcourse you are doing a promotional shot for a movie poster in which case the New Moon movie photos are just phenomenal). But then I guess it all depends on what you are trying to achieve right? And photos like books are open to interpretation. I guess i just like seeing more natural photos because everything is so covered up and ‘perfected’ these days. And by natural i dont mean you don’t use any photo correction technology but rather that you capture the true essence of what it means to be human and the human experience.
I still do however admire what Webber has done in the sense that he has shown that he had a vision for these photos and he was able to execute that vision. Even though i differ with some aspects of this series I still really respect that he had an idea and he was able to express it in different ways and I actually really like some of the photos, but then I think is that because of the photos themselves or is it because Rob is ‘really really ridiculously gooooodlooking’ in them? Would i have liked the photos if there was someone who wasn’t as photogenic? Hmm now am I contradicting myself? I mean i dont feel that keeping a photo natural and being creative are mutually exclusive. ok im just going to end this post cause it seems like ill just keep going down this spiral of thoughts which arent actually going to lead anywhere and i never was one for philosophising.
everyone around me is so image concious. including myself. people are worried about gaining a kilo here, a pimple there. we have fat days and skinny late’s, ab crunchers, protein shakes and girls and boys spending hours ‘gymming’. i too am guilty of all of this. i am a product of this culture and society that i live in. today i decide that i need to put on my brakes. not completely. because my brakes are not strong enough. but i want to slow down. and i want to focus on whats going on in my heart. i want to be concious of my bad attitude days and rude response moments, my bitchy times and my short tempered and argumentative side that i allow to surface unjustly. i need to let other people have an opinion and agree to disagree. i need to explain things with patience even if it’s something i think is stupidly obvious and i need to be more considerate of other people and their feelings. just be nice. just be kind. just be more compassionate and more patient. that’s all
